On August 12, I realised that my asthma was an unwillingness to take life in. That I was alive nevertheless, and remained so, was, for me, one of the many paradoxes of existence, strewn across our path as unsolvable riddles, tough mind candy to chew on. I did not care for His jokes.

On August 13, I had decided to end my life. I instantly knew how I’d do it: I would jump of Jefferson bridge and enjoy the short flight. I calculated that I would fly for 6.34 seconds. In this time span, I wanted to see and experience everything as if for the first time. I was looking forward to the intensity of a prolonged moment of birthlike magic.

On August 14, at 14:45, after an incredibly good Pizza from Joe’s, an otherwise little noteworthy Italian hole in the wall on Grammer St, I let go off the railing and flew towards my death. Earlier, I had sat on these railings for about a minute. Not too long to develop deep fear and not too short, because I did not want to do anything in haste. This was too important.

All the while, though, if I’m honest, I hoped that something or someone would save me.

In fact, I did have my flight, and it was unbelievable. I could not possibly put it into words. You’ll have to go there yourself. The flight was 0.07 seconds longer than I had anticipated due to strong winds that created an updraft, which slowed me down. Those are details.

The interesting thing is that I never hit the surface but found myself instead eyes closed  in a fetal position on my bed at home. I don’t know what happened and I don’t care. I will not, I repeat, I will not do it again. I stopped having asthma attacks, too, and I’m going to get married tomorrow, thank you very much for your good wishes.

two heads and founders of two companies jumped out of windows to their deaths in the presence of their families. the official obduction showed that they both had a synthetic amphetamine in their blood which is known to induce instant suicidal feelings.

the speaker of the secret police, after saying that the secret police was a state secret and was not supposed to be written or talked about other than with the admission that nothing was known for certain about the existence of aforementioned secret police, said that the secret police had not secretly or officially been involved in the death of the two businessmen.

their families chose not to press charges against the unknown.

the doctors in attendance admitted that there was a very slight chance that the high levels of amphetamine had been measured because of instrument malfunctions, adding that the measuring devices were of soviet origin (a remark, which was not further explored the doctors seemed to imply however that this meant they were possibly involved in previous false measurements compromising the objective functionality of these devices which in principle could not be meddled with by outsiders who did not possess a secret code).

the vice presidents of the companies announced that the companies would be sold to a subsidiary of the state energy company without divulging the price of the transaction. the sale to a french-german-spanish conglomerate, which had been planned by the firms’ founders, was cancelled immediately. both emphasised that it had not been a secret that selling the companies to foreign partners had been a shortsighted premature decision not benefitting either society, the companies’ employees or the shareholder. they also announced the intermediary CEOs for the companies to be two former colonels of the secret police (which as a matter of state security,  might not even exist).

during investigations about the country’s business practices, a finnish journalist who later, curiously and supposedly because of a sudden hay fever sneezing attack, also fell out of a window to her death, in november, before being able to finish her documentary feature, came across this case and interviewed the family of one of the dead business men: igor  his 10 year old son said sobbing: “the pater always warned us not to play near open windows above the first floor!”

we hear the case has now been closed.

© 2009 finnegan flawnt – any similarities with existing people, institutions or societies are entirely accidental or, if not, they are to remain a secret.